am i really that distant? did i really create that many barriers around me? am i really that difficult to understand?
my friends were telling me recently that i'm damn pro at creating barriers around me. they said that i may seem friendly that once they want to go deeper, they find it damn hard to go through the wall. the reasons they gave: my replies on msn and sms-es are always very short and cool.
but is this all that can be used to judge how i behave? sometimes, i'm quite confused by myself. which one is the real me? the one that enjoys being in the crowd? or the on that enjoys being alone. sometimes, i prefer to be alone. the just dont feel like talking to anyone mood. the just feel like walking alone mood. but yet, i felt really sad and outcasted when friends left me out. left me out of their conversation. left me out of their activities.
i'm starting to think that i'm weird. and not a good friend at all. cause i always think for myself. and not for my friends. i really really need to learn. sorry my friends. for instance, i will always leave my seat and go to the toilet alone without asking people. cause i dont like people to think that "eeyer go toilet also need people to accompany" but that doesnt seem to be the norm. i realised that everyone likes to jio people to the restrooms. it seems to be a polite gesture to do so. well, i'm weird. i just like to do things my way. sometimes, after i stepped out, i regret immediately. well, i suck.
at the end of the day, i feel that you need to understand me better to know what i'm thinking. and afterall the barriers don't really exist. i hope i'm right.
secondly, i hate it when i'm being treated like a kid. i'm a freaking twenty-year-old. please think of how will i feel when you mimicked my actions in front of others. please think of how will i feel before words come out of your mouth. even though i know you don't mean at all. the reason why i doesnt retaliate and continue to play around is because i'm playing the role of a clown. but i'm sick of being a clown.
